And so, the prodigal [daughter] returns in shame to her blog. I’ll admit, I’ve opened this page up a fair few times in the last six months and tried to pump out a post about something arbitrary but nothing seemed to stick. But it seems that today, I finally found something that I was angry and confused about enough to want to rant.
I’ve been thinking a lot about the future – finishing the final year of high school, considering what I want to get out of my life in the years to come. And it was surprisingly depressing. I’ve spent so long just thinking about what I want to get out of high school that I don’t think I’ve actually devoted much thought to what I’m going to do after that.
A lot of this conclusion stemmed from me thinking a lot about what I was like last year. 2014 was a fairly good year for me academically, but it was also one of the most personally unfulfilling years of my entire school life. I felt constantly drained, I was putting my all into school and not getting any emotional reimbursement. I just never felt satisfied. As a result of that I think I began to push myself harder but that just made me overly competitive – I’d compare myself to everyone else, I’d see them as some kind of opposition to beat. But I still wasn’t satisfied.
I know there are plenty of people that I did not work nearly as hard as, and I’m not sure if I had the right to feel entitled to something more, some kind of emotional content and self-security. But I do know that looking back on it now, I really disliked 2014-me. All I thought was that I wanted to be better and that I was better than a lot of the people around me.
It’s a bit late for New Years’ resolutions, but I’ve finally figured out mine: to be more than I was. That might sound extremely vague to you but it means something very important to me. One of my biggest fears in life is being two-dimensional – being someone easily categorised, a stereotype, predictable, uninteresting. I came quite close to that 2014 – obsessive, competitive, a little bit too pretentious. Obviously I can’t completely change myself, I will never be able to be the person that I want to be. But I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t wish it was possible.
So, back to the what I started this post with: thinking about the future. What do I want to get out of the future? Up til now it’s always been about doing what was safe and what felt right. But now that it’s approaching and the risks are getting larger, nothing feels right and I’m not really sure what I want to be doing in ten, twenty, thirty year’s time. Fuck, I can’t even comprehend what I’ll be like in two months’ time let alone ten years’.
Sometimes (most of the time), I feel like the future is this massive void – a vacuum of blackness that I can neither visualise nor comprehend. It’s pretty terrifying (a normal reaction from what I’ve heard). But what scares me more than not knowing what I will be doing is the fact that I don’t know what I want to be doing. Not knowing what I want is proving to be a difficult stage to overcome, especially more so because I pride myself on being quite self-aware.
So yeah that’s my rant – I’m impressed if you even read this far. I guess I just felt a bit more lost than I usually do and wanted to get it out.
I’ll catch you later (maybe).