last year’s me+the terrifying concept of the future

Personal Posts

And so, the prodigal [daughter] returns in shame to her blog. I’ll admit, I’ve opened this page up a fair few times in the last six months and tried to pump out a post about something arbitrary but nothing seemed to stick. But it seems that today, I finally found something that I was angry and confused about enough to want to rant.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the future – finishing the final year of high school, considering what I want to get out of my life in the years to come. And it was surprisingly depressing. I’ve spent so long just thinking about what I want to get out of high school that I don’t think I’ve actually devoted much thought to what I’m going to do after that.

A lot of this conclusion stemmed from me thinking a lot about what I was like last year. 2014 was a fairly good year for me academically, but it was also one of the most personally unfulfilling years of my entire school life. I felt constantly drained, I was putting my all into school and not getting any emotional reimbursement. I just never felt satisfied. As a result of that I think I began to push myself harder but that just made me overly competitive – I’d compare myself to everyone else, I’d see them as some kind of opposition to beat. But I still wasn’t satisfied.

I know there are plenty of people that I did not work nearly as hard as, and I’m not sure if I had the right to feel entitled to something more, some kind of emotional content and self-security. But I do know that looking back on it now, I really disliked 2014-me. All I thought was that I wanted to be better and that I was better than a lot of the people around me.

It’s a bit late for New Years’ resolutions, but I’ve finally figured out mine: to be more than I was. That might sound extremely vague to you but it means something very important to me. One of my biggest fears in life is being two-dimensional – being someone easily categorised, a stereotype, predictable, uninteresting. I came quite close to that 2014 – obsessive, competitive, a little bit too pretentious. Obviously I can’t completely change myself, I will never be able to be the person that I want to be. But I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t wish it was possible.

So, back to the what I started this post with: thinking about the future. What do I want to get out of the future? Up til now it’s always been about doing what was safe and what felt right. But now that it’s approaching and the risks are getting larger, nothing feels right and I’m not really sure what I want to be doing in ten, twenty, thirty year’s time. Fuck, I can’t even comprehend what I’ll be like in two months’ time let alone ten years’.

Sometimes (most of the time), I feel like the future is this massive void – a vacuum of blackness that I can neither visualise nor comprehend. It’s pretty terrifying (a normal reaction from what I’ve heard). But what scares me more than not knowing what I will be doing is the fact that I don’t know what I want to be doing. Not knowing what I want is proving to be a difficult stage to overcome, especially more so because I pride myself on being quite self-aware.

So yeah that’s my rant – I’m impressed if you even read this far. I guess I just felt a bit more lost than I usually do and wanted to get it out.

I’ll catch you later (maybe).

mid-life crisis (at the ripe old age of 16)

Personal Posts, Writing 101 2014

So, the titular problem here: I’m in a bit of a crisis. Although I’m only 16 and nowhere near middle-aged, this dilemma seems to, in all aspects, have all the characteristics of a ‘mid-life crisis’. The issue is – I’m not quite sure if I want do what I want to do. Sounds weird, right? The problem is that I’ve had my ‘heart’ set on studying mechanical engineering at university, but lately I’ve begun to doubt my decision.

Before I continue with this story, small disclaimer: do not start characterising me as the classic nerdy teen who wants to become one of the following: doctor, lawyer, engineer. I genuinely think made this decision because of my interest in physics, which is what makes this crisis all the more ‘crisis-y’.

So, I had an appointment with the school careers counsellor the other day and it went something along the lines of this. I walked in, we said hi, I sat down, she asked me what I wanted to do and I answered ‘mechanical engineering at one of these three universities’. Pretty much as soon as those words left my mouth and became the public knowledge of god knows who was in the area, the regret sank in. I have no idea why I would regret saying that – my career choice had never really been a secret, I like physics, I’d spent a very long time coming to this decision – so what the hell was wrong? *breathes after very long sentence*

After a slightly panicked careers appointment (myself being the panicked component whilst the counsellor very calmly told me about the undergraduate programmes at Sydney University) and a very long conversation in physics class – I came to a conclusion. I regret not having explored any other options. I regret that I never considered getting an English degree, even though that may be a one way road to unemployment. I regret that I never considered something that made me really passionate and angry rather than just ‘happy’.

You, reading this, will be saying to yourself ‘What’s the big deal? You’re still in high school, there’s plenty of time to make changes’. It’s not that I have made up my made and I’ve got another plan – I’ve just ended at this place of indecisive frustration and anxiety. I have these overwhelming regrets of not having made other inquiries but I don’t have the urge to jump at the chance of studying journalism. The only thing I know for sure is that engineering is something that seems like a relatively happy prospect for myself and I’m a hell of a lot more sure about this than anything else.

Well, if you’ve made it to this point, I commend your tenacity – making it through the angsty musings of a teenage girl is no small feat. Seeing as you made it this far, feel free to impart any words of wisdom in the comments.



About, Personal Posts

Basic Info
Name: Soo
Age: 16

I guess the reason that I’m here is because I’ve always been one for fresh starts – but I’ve never been great at finishing what I’ve started. Being a veteran of many-an-abandoned-blog, I figured it was about time that I started anew. At this point in my routine, I usually begin to speculate how long it will take for the deadening drought of updates to arrive – but I’d like this to be different.

But this isn’t going to be me trying to start over, just to do exactly what I did before. I’m picking up where I left off. Hence, the title (no, I was not talking about the pastries – although I can predict that food discussion will be a major part of this blog).

In the past, I’ve always started any type of personal blog for the same reason – to document my experiences. This can probably be related back to some kind of deeply embedded need to romanticise the past – I expect that my subconscious has noted the future benefits of this blog to that end. And although it might not be entirely exciting, witty or intelligent for the lonely and rare internet wanderers who come across this – I’m hoping for some personal satisfaction. Not to mention, I’m getting some writing practice out of this (added bonus!).

So, here’s to this: to the last few steps of high school, to “maturing and becoming an adult” (whatever the hell that means), to (hopefully) not saying anything rash/stupid/offensive/overly personal on the internet and to whatever else that can come out of this.